8.6.14 (poem or something)

Polar bear white
Brushing my teeth tonight
Letting my gums bleed

I ate birthday cake
Blew out the candles
And wished for parking lots
And worn out movie stubs

Thinking about the first time I heard her say my name.

Eyes close, eyes open

Nothings changed.

Cheetos

Cheetos:

Cheetos will never make you happy
High fructose corn syrup
Klnopin
Adderall
I dance them around my tongue
Dry swallow
Goodbye today, hello happy tomorrow
I'm thirteen again, making out with pillow cases, practice makes perfect
It's a love/hate thing the loneliness of cotton
There's a polar bear army laying in bed with me
My cuddle buddies
Emotional/physical needs
Text me and tell me I seem distant
And I'll lecture you about initiative, thoughtfulness, space and time
About how frail it can be, all this collapsing
The emptiness between you and me
We
Barbiturates
Self-esteem
Feeling fucked but OK enough
Etc.

I give my cuddle buddies names
Pretend it is normal
Fuck it, nobody is watching
advantage of being alone

Laying in bed watching dawson's creek
Letting the TV have its way with me
It understands without me having to say
"feed me intimacy"

Cheetos will never make you happy
Buy you eat them just to have something to do
And I guess that's OK.

Try harder

My friend tells me she just wishes she could die
And I can't help but think about a Wikipedia entry
I read three days ago about someone younger and
Way more successful than me.

A year ago I gave up weed for cigarettes. Traded jail
Time for tooth decay, bad breath and cancer.

We talked about babies. I said I'd only consider having
One if I could name it Bruce Willis jr, you kissed me and
I interpreted that as "no dice, baby"

I search Internet porn sites and type in the name of
Various foods. I will never look at donuts the same.

When my mother passed away, I thought about your legs
At the funeral, thighs begging to be bitten, and how beautiful
You could look in the morning, when tired was the only
Expression you could muster.

I tell my friend "it gets better" and tell myself that tomorrow
I will build myself a new heart out of cotton candy and
Starburst.

I write a note to myself and stick it to my bathroom mirror, it reads
"Try harder"

Yume

In my dreams the kit kat bar gets 

gagged And pleasured to death by the purple tentacles.

The girl with the pink hair just collects sea

Shells to sell on eBay. 

The ninja just gets drunk  On sake and frustrated by the lack of sex in his

Life. 

When the koga clan arrive they play beer pong With lupin the third, and smoke weed till the sun Comes out.

In my dreams I am a paper air plane built by a boy With way too much time on his hands, he bites his Nails till they bleed and day dreams about a time when he wjll Never have to live vicariously through his day Dreams.

Translation:

I am watching anime on a small screen and all I want to Do is punch through every wall I have to till I can fall asleep

In whatever bed/mattress/couch/floor it is that you inhabit 

I didn't know what to say so I'll say it here

I didn't know what to say so I'll say it here:

The aliens are fucking shit up some where on a planet we don't even have a name for yet. 

The aliens don't have time to fuck shit up on earth.

"We'll leave earth fucking to the humans" an alien thinks out loud.

All of the other aliens nod in agreement.

I smoke cigarettes and drink beer, I am pissing in a field somewhere.

I look at the sky, I look at you, I prefer you to the moon and stars, really I do.

If aliens invaded the earth I would tell them to fuck off and die.

They probably wouldn't understand me.

I'd say there's a girl I like and I'd point at my chest and they would understand.

Love is universal or something 

Your worth is universal.

I'd kick all the alien ass I'd have to just to hold your human hand. 

Really I would and I try to tell you this but I can't

I mumble the words and say forget it, it's nothing when you say you can't understand me, and I run away and you just keep on keeping on as if nothing ever happened.

I could give up porn for you (Bruce fucking Willis)

I could give up porn for you...

I want to spoon you as if you were the last bit of peanut butter at the end of the jar, nibble on your earlobe and let you beg me for more. 

Woah being sexy is not my area of expertise 

I want to wear you like a candy bar wears its wrapper 

Do stuff to my body

I want to wake up in your bathtub

There are a million things to watch on Netflix

Come watch them with me

I will wipe up every dead ant that invades the privacy of your car

I will kill every ninja that tries to assassinate you

And if you die, I will play your favorite drake song at your funeral

I don't give a fuck

Finna kiss you so hard you'll feel me on your lips for the rest of your life

Fuck every lover before and after, I want to be your right now

Lets watch Bruce Willis kill Russians together

Die hard in the backseat of a cab

Hold my hand right now

The loneliest feelings creep in when I whisper I want you into a cell phone

I could give up porn for you, I mean it.

banana peppers

The happiest moments of my life all involve sandwiches

I am eating till everything taste good

The bitter memories and the salt in my wounds

The hunger makes me apathetic

you kick my head then rub my stomach

I am better when I am lonely

I thrive on the taste of the curb

Hold my hand you might tell me

and I wont because I don't feel like it

when my bed is empty

your hand is the only thing I miss

surprise

You spell "penis" pen is and text it to me over and over

You type "my pen is giant"

I respond "My penis giant, lol"

I try to hear you laugh from wherever you are.

Try to mimic the sound from memory but it doesn't really work.

I play a waka flocka flame song on my ipod and think "I'm a trill ass nigga"

I'm from new york so I think its ok to think that.

I text you "I'm a trill ass nigga"

and you don't text me back.

I check to see if my text was sent and it says it was and I feel stupid.

Feel like texting to you how stupid I feel but I don't do it.

I don't do anything.

I lie in bed and touch my penis.

I think "masturbation" then I think "no"

Feels like the world is going to explode.

The explosion might be ok because everyone would die simultaneously and there will be no pain/sadness.

I picture you lying in bed next to me naked.

I picture your body exploding and instead of blood and guts there is confetti.

Surprise this is not the first time I have killed you in my head.

Beach

Beach body

I've been in Florida for four months and I haven't gone to the beach.

I am not a beach person.

I can't deal with sand and all the parts of my body it likes to invade.

I think "personal space" when I go to the beach. 

The beach invades my personal space and the desire to go to the beach leaves me.

Beaches just feel lonely or something.

Like when I watch good looking couples holding hands or little kids building sand castles I think "I am fucked, I am going to die alone" I have never built a sand castle, have never known what it's like to watch something I built be torn down by waves or destroyed by a bro trying to catch a frisbee.

I also think "boobs" when I go to the beach.

I think about bodies.

So many good looking bodies.

Male and female.

I am not comfortable with my body at the beach.

I hide my head underneath the sand, crabs pick at my eyeballs, my eyes water but I am not crying.

I sometimes think "sun shine" when I think of the beach. 

My favorite weather is cloudy gray skies, when it might rain in New York but it doesn't so you decide not to wear a jacket and the wind blows and you feel cold but free.

It's always cold and free, not warm and free. 

It is warm and I am feeling an immense weight in my chest,

beach, you have invaded my body yet again.

You

I am lying down in the middle of the living room

my mouth is open but I'm not saying anything

want to scream fuck it, really loud but I don't

want to scare the neighbors. 

Don't want to upset my dog.

I move around on the carpet.

Trying to get comfortable.

I am failing miserably.

I ingest adderall and count to ten.

If I am calm enough "You" will magically appear in front of me.

But there is no "You"

I don't know who "You" are...

Feels like I am imagining "You"

making "You" up

If I fall asleep in the middle of the living room it will be tomorrow and I will have to go to work and everything will start all over again.

I want to fall asleep and wake up five years from now.

Maybe then there will be a real "You" and my desires/life would make sense.

Being Human

I feel comfortable holding your hand, like I am not worrying about sweating too much, or moving too much. 

Like I am not worried about anything.

Five months from this very moment I will be rocking back and forth on the couch questioning my existence.

I will be checking your every status update, deleting you and re-requesting you.

I will stalk your web presence the way I traced your body with imaginary fingers.

I will poke you, and cry into a pillow “love me back or stab me I don’t care I just want something to happen.”

I talked to a friend once about my depression, I asked him what the fuck am I even doing here,
to which he replied, “being human.”

and I felt like everything made sense and I was going to be ok or something.

Loud Intense Nothing

I am using my shitty Internet connection to the fullest.

At night I browse for the "best" porn videos I haven't seen yet.

I watch cam girls take off their clothes and masturbate for money.

At work I am quiet and efficient. I don't stop working till I am told

to go to lunch or take a break or something.

I think about all of the girls

I used to talk to. I don't really talk with anyone anymore. I've isolated myself

from the world. Sometimes I comment on facebook or retweet a tweet but other than

that I don't really socialize or anything. I have become a hermit, "irl" and on the

internet. Wtf. I can't get a girl to fall in love with me. I cant seem to fall in love with anyone

I rarely masturbate in the shower, I mostly just think about life and stuff.

I haven't dreamed about sex in months. Seems sad kind of.

I haven't smoked weed in a month.

I miss it sometimes but not really. I don't know what I want to do. Seems like I want to write

but I can't take my writing seriously. Feels like I haven't experienced anything outside of going

to work and watching gossip girl on netflix.

Wow. I dont feel depressed but I don't feel not depressed.

I've been smoking more cigarettes now than I used to. I don't even like it much but there's nothing else.

There is cancer in my mouth I think, I pick at it with my tongue as I lie awake in bed.

I just want to kiss pretty girls

and feel ok about things.

Feel out of control most days. Like I could be yelling but I hold myself back. Feel like I should

yell mean things at myself in the mirror and cry. But I don't feel like crying.

I want to buy a bike and ride it somewhere but

I feel stupid riding a bike and I dont know if I would feel like riding it anymore once I buy one and like ride it once. I do that

a lot, I get into things, like obsess over things and then lose interest quick. I'm sorry ladies. I think I have ADD or something.

Sometimes I want a cat and then sometimes I don't want one enough, so I just think about wanting one and live vicariously through my

thoughts.

I don't know anything anymore.

Feels good outside tonight but not good enough.

Feel anxious about nothing in particular.

Seems fucked.

Cover my legs with sand and trample all over my body

I want to bleed enough blood to make sharks take the initiative
to try to walk on land. I don't believe in vampires, I'm sorry.
I just want to kiss girls with green alien eyes, and purple skin.


Pour sand over my legs, do anything
I'm a slut, I feel ridiculous,
pour grains of salt over my mouth
I want kidney stones the size of boulders
bury my body in Austin
I want to be remembered for my beard and
not my beer belly
I am tired of voice mail and student loans
cover me in honey and pour alcohol into
my lungs
I want to be so drunk I can't remember
ever being drunk
fuck it, just kiss me now and pretend we
are in love
I am ready.

I can't help but think about you, damn

If I could describe you with just one word it would be iconic
Damn me for liking everything about you
You make smoking cigarettes look seductive
I want to pour you in a glass of water and drink you
Lately I've been pretending you are all I need, toying with the idea that you could make happy
Pfft, as if
What I'm really saying is I want your lazy body next to mine
Come lay down with me
We can talk about raising children together and other things we might regret.

Lungs

I want to kiss you in ways I have never kissed anyone ever.
I want my existence and your existence to coexist together.
I want to smoke every cigarette you have ever smoked.
I want my lungs to be as black as your lungs.
Your lungs make me happy, I want to caress them and read them love poems.
In fact bring your lungs to me and I will ask them to marry me.
I am dead serious.
I love you the way my generation loves irony.

Kissing you is like watching netflix and I can't wait to log in again

Kissing you is like watching netflix and I can't wait to log in again

I am kissing your skull with minimal force so as to not leave any permanent damage,
like damn I am sorry if I am not doing it with perfection, I am not ryan gosling and no matter

how many times I pray I probably will never be. 

Tonight the moon is full, but we don't give a shit, we watch movies in doors on our brand new tv, the tv is smart you tell me, cutting edge, it has internet capabilities and a netflix app. We watch Felicity and Friends and I get the urge to start kissing you again.

I am shy with the knife, making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches is dangerous business, I hope I can impress you with my finesse, as you take bites of your sandwich I can't help but think,

damn you are beautiful even while you're dressed

I want to bathe in your love till I am sick of it.

asshole

I have never learned to love people properly
I am a vengeful person
I am a spiteful god
I hate all of you
I am walking around the earth
I am walking on top of, around, and over a dozen blury clouds
I am on the sunset strip, it is 1989, I want to stick needles in my arm
Cradle me mother, I am starving for your attention
I will never learn to love anyone
Doesn't seem right
but its all I can think right now
I am in a negative place
I am in a negative space
This apartment will swallow me whole
and shit me out into the internet where I will become a youtube video
that nobody watches, a meme that doesn't catch on, fuck, I am fucked.
Seems bleak, tiny celestial bodies wrapped around my spine, I am bending
backwards, trying really hard, like I am poking you on facebook and everything
seems like I am doing everything right, but maybe my right is wrong to you.
Fuck it, I don't care, I was born to be an asshole anyways.

Sandwich

I am eating a sandwich in your bathroom. The baby is crying. Feels like I am in the middle of nowhere. I hear shouts from the bedroom. I am not suppose to be here. It feels like I am not suppose to be here. There is a sick feeling in my stomach. I am throwing the sandwich in the toilet. I flushed the toilet. Water is coming out of the toilet. Fuck, the toilet is clogged. It was a pretty big sandwich. Turkey ham, Swiss cheese, tomato and lettuce with a dash of vinegar and salt on a hero. I don't know why I flushed it. I guess I am being passive aggressive again. Fuck, I am still kind of hungry. I smoke a cigarette. I know you hate when I smoke in your bathroom. I can hear the baby crying. Someone do something please I think to myself. When the fuck is this world going to end? My socks are wet. You are knocking on the door. Your friends all hate me now, your little sister needs to use the bathroom. I am crying, I don't know why I am crying but I am. I unlock the door as quietly as possible and leave out the window. I hope I never see you again. I hope I never see anyone again. I am going back to the deli.

I want to fuck you in your stomach
There are naughty things brewing through my brain constantly
Fuck you for not having my sex drive
Appetite for destruction
I am kissing my pillow, hands on my penis, I will ride this one out alone tonight
Fuck you for not understanding my weird desires
I just want to kiss you in odd places
This will end badly
But fuck it,
I am almost there
shaking in bed and crying tonight

 Vomitingwinter:

I want to open your legs and spray them with hot glue

******:
That's not really erotic but I appreciate the effort

Vomitingwinter:
Fuck I tried so hard, idk I am an asexual male

******:
maybe you just put in too much thought into this stuff?

 Vomitingwinter:
i over think everything idk, i should just shoot myself. I will write a suicide note on ms word.

******:
What will you write?

Vomitingwinter
I am a socially fucked 21 year old virgin. My penis is the size of an egg roll, can't cope

******:
I like egg rolls.

Vomitingwinter
Egg rolls are good, I guess. But egg rolls aren't sexually stimulating.

******:
They could be, if applied correctly

Vomitingwinter:
What does that even mean?

******:
I don't know I was just trying to... something.

Vomitingwinter:
I give up 0_0!!!!!! i'll be on later or something

 ******:
k, bye =(