I could give up porn for you (Bruce fucking Willis)

I could give up porn for you...

I want to spoon you as if you were the last bit of peanut butter at the end of the jar, nibble on your earlobe and let you beg me for more. 

Woah being sexy is not my area of expertise 

I want to wear you like a candy bar wears its wrapper 

Do stuff to my body

I want to wake up in your bathtub

There are a million things to watch on Netflix

Come watch them with me

I will wipe up every dead ant that invades the privacy of your car

I will kill every ninja that tries to assassinate you

And if you die, I will play your favorite drake song at your funeral

I don't give a fuck

Finna kiss you so hard you'll feel me on your lips for the rest of your life

Fuck every lover before and after, I want to be your right now

Lets watch Bruce Willis kill Russians together

Die hard in the backseat of a cab

Hold my hand right now

The loneliest feelings creep in when I whisper I want you into a cell phone

I could give up porn for you, I mean it.

banana peppers

The happiest moments of my life all involve sandwiches

I am eating till everything taste good

The bitter memories and the salt in my wounds

The hunger makes me apathetic

you kick my head then rub my stomach

I am better when I am lonely

I thrive on the taste of the curb

Hold my hand you might tell me

and I wont because I don't feel like it

when my bed is empty

your hand is the only thing I miss

surprise

You spell "penis" pen is and text it to me over and over

You type "my pen is giant"

I respond "My penis giant, lol"

I try to hear you laugh from wherever you are.

Try to mimic the sound from memory but it doesn't really work.

I play a waka flocka flame song on my ipod and think "I'm a trill ass nigga"

I'm from new york so I think its ok to think that.

I text you "I'm a trill ass nigga"

and you don't text me back.

I check to see if my text was sent and it says it was and I feel stupid.

Feel like texting to you how stupid I feel but I don't do it.

I don't do anything.

I lie in bed and touch my penis.

I think "masturbation" then I think "no"

Feels like the world is going to explode.

The explosion might be ok because everyone would die simultaneously and there will be no pain/sadness.

I picture you lying in bed next to me naked.

I picture your body exploding and instead of blood and guts there is confetti.

Surprise this is not the first time I have killed you in my head.

Beach

Beach body

I've been in Florida for four months and I haven't gone to the beach.

I am not a beach person.

I can't deal with sand and all the parts of my body it likes to invade.

I think "personal space" when I go to the beach. 

The beach invades my personal space and the desire to go to the beach leaves me.

Beaches just feel lonely or something.

Like when I watch good looking couples holding hands or little kids building sand castles I think "I am fucked, I am going to die alone" I have never built a sand castle, have never known what it's like to watch something I built be torn down by waves or destroyed by a bro trying to catch a frisbee.

I also think "boobs" when I go to the beach.

I think about bodies.

So many good looking bodies.

Male and female.

I am not comfortable with my body at the beach.

I hide my head underneath the sand, crabs pick at my eyeballs, my eyes water but I am not crying.

I sometimes think "sun shine" when I think of the beach. 

My favorite weather is cloudy gray skies, when it might rain in New York but it doesn't so you decide not to wear a jacket and the wind blows and you feel cold but free.

It's always cold and free, not warm and free. 

It is warm and I am feeling an immense weight in my chest,

beach, you have invaded my body yet again.

You

I am lying down in the middle of the living room

my mouth is open but I'm not saying anything

want to scream fuck it, really loud but I don't

want to scare the neighbors. 

Don't want to upset my dog.

I move around on the carpet.

Trying to get comfortable.

I am failing miserably.

I ingest adderall and count to ten.

If I am calm enough "You" will magically appear in front of me.

But there is no "You"

I don't know who "You" are...

Feels like I am imagining "You"

making "You" up

If I fall asleep in the middle of the living room it will be tomorrow and I will have to go to work and everything will start all over again.

I want to fall asleep and wake up five years from now.

Maybe then there will be a real "You" and my desires/life would make sense.

Being Human

I feel comfortable holding your hand, like I am not worrying about sweating too much, or moving too much. 

Like I am not worried about anything.

Five months from this very moment I will be rocking back and forth on the couch questioning my existence.

I will be checking your every status update, deleting you and re-requesting you.

I will stalk your web presence the way I traced your body with imaginary fingers.

I will poke you, and cry into a pillow “love me back or stab me I don’t care I just want something to happen.”

I talked to a friend once about my depression, I asked him what the fuck am I even doing here,
to which he replied, “being human.”

and I felt like everything made sense and I was going to be ok or something.

Loud Intense Nothing

I am using my shitty Internet connection to the fullest.

At night I browse for the "best" porn videos I haven't seen yet.

I watch cam girls take off their clothes and masturbate for money.

At work I am quiet and efficient. I don't stop working till I am told

to go to lunch or take a break or something.

I think about all of the girls

I used to talk to. I don't really talk with anyone anymore. I've isolated myself

from the world. Sometimes I comment on facebook or retweet a tweet but other than

that I don't really socialize or anything. I have become a hermit, "irl" and on the

internet. Wtf. I can't get a girl to fall in love with me. I cant seem to fall in love with anyone

I rarely masturbate in the shower, I mostly just think about life and stuff.

I haven't dreamed about sex in months. Seems sad kind of.

I haven't smoked weed in a month.

I miss it sometimes but not really. I don't know what I want to do. Seems like I want to write

but I can't take my writing seriously. Feels like I haven't experienced anything outside of going

to work and watching gossip girl on netflix.

Wow. I dont feel depressed but I don't feel not depressed.

I've been smoking more cigarettes now than I used to. I don't even like it much but there's nothing else.

There is cancer in my mouth I think, I pick at it with my tongue as I lie awake in bed.

I just want to kiss pretty girls

and feel ok about things.

Feel out of control most days. Like I could be yelling but I hold myself back. Feel like I should

yell mean things at myself in the mirror and cry. But I don't feel like crying.

I want to buy a bike and ride it somewhere but

I feel stupid riding a bike and I dont know if I would feel like riding it anymore once I buy one and like ride it once. I do that

a lot, I get into things, like obsess over things and then lose interest quick. I'm sorry ladies. I think I have ADD or something.

Sometimes I want a cat and then sometimes I don't want one enough, so I just think about wanting one and live vicariously through my

thoughts.

I don't know anything anymore.

Feels good outside tonight but not good enough.

Feel anxious about nothing in particular.

Seems fucked.