Monday, November 5, 2012

Loud Intense Nothing

I am using my shitty Internet connection to the fullest.
At night I browse for the "best" porn videos I haven't seen yet.
I watch cam girls take off their clothes and masturbate for money.

At work I am quiet and efficient. I don't stop working till I am told
to go to lunch or take a break or something.

I think about all of the girls
I used to talk to. I don't really talk with anyone anymore. I've isolated myself
from the world. Sometimes I comment on facebook or retweet a tweet but other than
that I don't really socialize or anything. I have become a hermit, "irl" and on the
internet. Wtf. I can't get a girl to fall in love with me. I cant seem to fall in love with anyone

I rarely masturbate in the shower, I mostly just think about life and stuff.
I haven't dreamed about sex in months. Seems sad kind of.

I haven't smoked weed in a month.
I miss it sometimes but not really. I don't know what I want to do. Seems like I want to write
but I can't take my writing seriously. Feels like I haven't experienced anything outside of going
to work and watching gossip girl on netflix.

Wow. I dont feel depressed but I don't feel not depressed.
I've been smoking more cigarettes now than I used to. I don't even like it much but there's nothing else.

There is cancer in my mouth I think, I pick at it with my tongue as I lie awake in bed.

I just want to kiss pretty girls
and feel ok about things.

Feel out of control most days. Like I could be yelling but I hold myself back. Feel like I should
yell mean things at myself in the mirror and cry. But I don't feel like crying.

I want to buy a bike and ride it somewhere but
I feel stupid riding a bike and I dont know if I would feel like riding it anymore once I buy one and like ride it once. I do that
a lot, I get into things, like obsess over things and then lose interest quick. I'm sorry ladies. I think I have ADD or something.

Sometimes I want a cat and then sometimes I don't want one enough, so I just think about wanting one and live vicariously through my

I don't know anything anymore.

Feels good outside tonight but not good enough.

Feel anxious about nothing in particular.
Seems fucked.