Monday, December 31, 2012


I am lying down in the middle of the living room
my mouth is open but I'm not saying anything
want to scream fuck it, really loud but I don't
want to scare the neighbors. 
Don't want to upset my dog.
I move around on the carpet.
Trying to get comfortable.
I am failing miserably.
I ingest adderall and count to ten.
If I am calm enough "You" will magically appear in front of me.
But there is no "You"
I don't know who "You" are...
Feels like I am imagining "You"
making "You" up
If I fall asleep in the middle of the living room it will be tomorrow and I will have to go to work and everything will start all over again.
I want to fall asleep and wake up five years from now.
Maybe then there will be a real "You" and my desires/life would make sense.

Being Human

I feel comfortable holding your hand, like I am not worrying about sweating too much, or moving too much. 

Like I am not worried about anything.

Five months from this very moment I will be rocking back and forth on the couch questioning my existence.

I will be checking your every status update, deleting you and re-requesting you.

I will stalk your web presence the way I traced your body with imaginary fingers.

I will poke you, and cry into a pillow “love me back or stab me I don’t care I just want something to happen.”

I talked to a friend once about my depression, I asked him what the fuck am I even doing here,
to which he replied, “being human.”

and I felt like everything made sense and I was going to be ok or something.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Loud Intense Nothing

I am using my shitty Internet connection to the fullest.
At night I browse for the "best" porn videos I haven't seen yet.
I watch cam girls take off their clothes and masturbate for money.

At work I am quiet and efficient. I don't stop working till I am told
to go to lunch or take a break or something.

I think about all of the girls
I used to talk to. I don't really talk with anyone anymore. I've isolated myself
from the world. Sometimes I comment on facebook or retweet a tweet but other than
that I don't really socialize or anything. I have become a hermit, "irl" and on the
internet. Wtf. I can't get a girl to fall in love with me. I cant seem to fall in love with anyone

I rarely masturbate in the shower, I mostly just think about life and stuff.
I haven't dreamed about sex in months. Seems sad kind of.

I haven't smoked weed in a month.
I miss it sometimes but not really. I don't know what I want to do. Seems like I want to write
but I can't take my writing seriously. Feels like I haven't experienced anything outside of going
to work and watching gossip girl on netflix.

Wow. I dont feel depressed but I don't feel not depressed.
I've been smoking more cigarettes now than I used to. I don't even like it much but there's nothing else.

There is cancer in my mouth I think, I pick at it with my tongue as I lie awake in bed.

I just want to kiss pretty girls
and feel ok about things.

Feel out of control most days. Like I could be yelling but I hold myself back. Feel like I should
yell mean things at myself in the mirror and cry. But I don't feel like crying.

I want to buy a bike and ride it somewhere but
I feel stupid riding a bike and I dont know if I would feel like riding it anymore once I buy one and like ride it once. I do that
a lot, I get into things, like obsess over things and then lose interest quick. I'm sorry ladies. I think I have ADD or something.

Sometimes I want a cat and then sometimes I don't want one enough, so I just think about wanting one and live vicariously through my

I don't know anything anymore.

Feels good outside tonight but not good enough.

Feel anxious about nothing in particular.
Seems fucked.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Cover my legs with sand and trample all over my body

I want to bleed enough blood to make sharks take the initiative
to try to walk on land. I don't believe in vampires, I'm sorry.
I just want to kiss girls with green alien eyes, and purple skin.

Pour sand over my legs, do anything
I'm a slut, I feel ridiculous,
pour grains of salt over my mouth
I want kidney stones the size of boulders
bury my body in Austin
I want to be remembered for my beard and
not my beer belly
I am tired of voice mail and student loans
cover me in honey and pour alcohol into
my lungs
I want to be so drunk I can't remember
ever being drunk
fuck it, just kiss me now and pretend we
are in love

I am ready.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

I can't help but think about you, damn

If I could describe you with just one word it would be iconic
Damn me for liking everything about you
You make smoking cigarettes look seductive
I want to pour you in a glass of water and drink you
Lately I've been pretending you are all I need, toying with the idea that you could make happy
Pfft, as if
What I'm really saying is I want your lazy body next to mine
Come lay down with me
We can talk about raising children together and other things we might regret.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012


I want to kiss you in ways I have never kissed anyone ever.
I want my existence and your existence to coexist together.
I want to smoke every cigarette you have ever smoked.
I want my lungs to be as black as your lungs.
Your lungs make me happy, I want to caress them and read them love poems.
In fact bring your lungs to me and I will ask them to marry me.
I am dead serious.
I love you the way my generation loves irony.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Kissing you is like watching netflix and I can't wait to log in again

Kissing you is like watching netflix and I can't wait to log in again

I am kissing your skull with minimal force so as to not leave any permanent damage,
like damn I am sorry if I am not doing it with perfection, I am not ryan gosling and no matter

how many times I pray I probably will never be. 

Tonight the moon is full, but we don't give a shit, we watch movies in doors on our brand new tv, the tv is smart you tell me, cutting edge, it has internet capabilities and a netflix app. We watch Felicity and Friends and I get the urge to start kissing you again.

I am shy with the knife, making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches is dangerous business, I hope I can impress you with my finesse, as you take bites of your sandwich I can't help but think,

damn you are beautiful even while you're dressed

I want to bathe in your love till I am sick of it.

Monday, June 11, 2012


I have never learned to love people properly
I am a vengeful person
I am a spiteful god
I hate all of you
I am walking around the earth
I am walking on top of, around, and over a dozen blury clouds
I am on the sunset strip, it is 1989, I want to stick needles in my arm
Cradle me mother, I am starving for your attention
I will never learn to love anyone
Doesn't seem right
but its all I can think right now
I am in a negative place
I am in a negative space
This apartment will swallow me whole
and shit me out into the internet where I will become a youtube video
that nobody watches, a meme that doesn't catch on, fuck, I am fucked.
Seems bleak, tiny celestial bodies wrapped around my spine, I am bending
backwards, trying really hard, like I am poking you on facebook and everything
seems like I am doing everything right, but maybe my right is wrong to you.
Fuck it, I don't care, I was born to be an asshole anyways.


I am eating a sandwich in your bathroom. The baby is crying. Feels like I am in the middle of nowhere. I hear shouts from the bedroom. I am not suppose to be here. It feels like I am not suppose to be here. There is a sick feeling in my stomach. I am throwing the sandwich in the toilet. I flushed the toilet. Water is coming out of the toilet. Fuck, the toilet is clogged. It was a pretty big sandwich. Turkey ham, Swiss cheese, tomato and lettuce with a dash of vinegar and salt on a hero. I don't know why I flushed it. I guess I am being passive aggressive again. Fuck, I am still kind of hungry. I smoke a cigarette. I know you hate when I smoke in your bathroom. I can hear the baby crying. Someone do something please I think to myself. When the fuck is this world going to end? My socks are wet. You are knocking on the door. Your friends all hate me now, your little sister needs to use the bathroom. I am crying, I don't know why I am crying but I am. I unlock the door as quietly as possible and leave out the window. I hope I never see you again. I hope I never see anyone again. I am going back to the deli.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

I want to fuck you in your stomach
There are naughty things brewing through my brain constantly
Fuck you for not having my sex drive
Appetite for destruction
I am kissing my pillow, hands on my penis, I will ride this one out alone tonight
Fuck you for not understanding my weird desires
I just want to kiss you in odd places
This will end badly
But fuck it,
I am almost there
shaking in bed and crying tonight
I want to open your legs and spray them with hot glue

That's not really erotic but I appreciate the effort

Fuck I tried so hard, idk I am an asexual male

maybe you just put in too much thought into this stuff?

i over think everything idk, i should just shoot myself. I will write a suicide note on ms word.

What will you write?

I am a socially fucked 21 year old virgin. My penis is the size of an egg roll, can't cope

I like egg rolls.

Egg rolls are good, I guess. But egg rolls aren't sexually stimulating.

They could be, if applied correctly

What does that even mean?

I don't know I was just trying to... something.

I give up 0_0!!!!!! i'll be on later or something

k, bye =(

Thursday, May 31, 2012

I want to die staring at my computer screen

My eyes are red. I can't focus tonight.
The bleakness of life. You and I. Me and
you. We aren't anything.

My TV is here. My cell phone is here.
My laptop is here. But you are not.

There are bugs trying to enter my window
and you are running away.

A cold glass of milk to calm my nerves.

I am anxious as fuck.

There is nothing to do but wait for all of this
to be over, again.

Friday, April 20, 2012


i will rustle your hair and call you kiddo
i like ice cream and the way it makes you
smile. will you act like a child with me?
Just once, I want to see your kite tangle
its string with mine, mixed like brad pitts
adopted children. I like you.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

In your garden

Place my hand in your hand
I am sleeping in your garden
Ants and centipedes walk all over me
I watch birds in the distance
I'd give anything to hold you again
I'm sorry I like you better than myself
I don't know how to follow through with anything
I am tending your garden
you have abandoned every flower
I think you should grow tomatos out here
seems lonely
seems bleak
I want your feet over my feet
your lips on mine
I am starving for you, shaking too
There is a storm coming
I want to save every flower
pieces of you
But I will probably go search for shelter
The rain is too cold


I am deep in you
knees and eyes
awe, I shuck
in your presence

when it rains
i am wet for you
kiss me like a
love song

they dont write love
for us

we make love for them
to dream about

I want you

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Loud intense sobbing

look in to the mind of a man with a 'bleak' existence
study his face, listen to his philosophy, shit eating grin
he is full of shit. Watch him smoke a cigarette, watch
him look at you, watch him wait for you to make the
first move, watch him sweat nervously. He is too frail.
Watch him take in everything you say. He is falling for
you, all over you, he is lost in the depths of you,
you are now the reason for his being. You will be the reason
for his joy, the reason for his depression, when he shits he
will think of you, when he masturbates, when he brushes his
teeth, when he writes his term paper, while he loses sleep.
He will spend hours and hours and hours upon hours thinking
of the perfect conversation. When he sees you he will not
remember a thing. He will go blank. Study this man.
You will never marry this man. He is too complicated for you. You are
not complicated. You know what you want from life. Pity this man.
Befriend him. Do something with his penis sometimes. And when
shit gets too real break his heart and walk away. He will hide in his
existential blanket, he will weep afterwards. Sob loud and intensely
holding a pillow, holding a cellphone, putting up the volume on his ipod,
listening to sad music, the only kind of music he likes.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

There is a polar bear sitting on my chest, just kidding it is sitting on my face, it is sitting on your face, it is digesting things fiercely with intense eyes and androgynous mannerisms. I am not depressed.

You are not a difficult person
you don't hate everyone
you don't masturbate often
you are smart, clean and very
I know this
I believe this
I tell myself this every night
staring into the mirror
looking into my eyes
thinking about polar bears
and polar ice caps
and cancer
thinking about black babies,
flipper babies, latino babies,

You are the person you want
to be, I tell myself religiously
with conviction, I am going
somewhere someday
I will get there
before I die
I promise
you are not
the weakest link
you are the ace of spades
you are fucking james dean
I lie to myself before
falling asleep in the shower.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012


I am seeking human validation through words I write.

Like me now.

I want to be a robot with an emotion knob. That way I could
choose when I want to be in 'existential despair'

There would be a self destruct switch and I would constantly
feel the impulse to use it

I am looking in the mirror and grinning. I can't help but not like my

I've been told my eyes are beautiful. I hate the brownness of them.

My eyes just seem needy to me.

Feels like my heart is codependent.

Sometime's it feels like my heart is thinking and it depresses me.
Nobody cares that you feel neglected.

Sometimes I feel the urge to buy a sandwhich from subways but then I think
its too complicated so I order chineese food instead and feel bad about
not eating healthy.

I also feel bad when I smoke cigarettes and drink soda.

It feels like I will have cancer soon, like I get really worried and google things and
feel like shit.

I hope that if I do end up dying miserable and alone it happens before I am thirty because
I don't want to be middle aged and still suffering from an 'existential crisis'

Feels like when I do die I will be crawled up on the floor in the fetal possition, clutching my iPod and and waiting for a text message.

I hope my body just slowly turns into mist or something, I don't want to be stuck in a coffin, seems bleak.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Tiny Hamster Paw

I don't think I could ever have a relationship with a girl who doesn't like poetry
because then why would she think I was special? What else do I have going for me?
But I am not special I think, poetry isn't special to starving kids in those fucked countries.
And poets are all spoiled 20 somethings any way, hanging out at a 24 hour walmart wishing
they were at whole foods. 

I want to hold your hand. What if we both had tiny hamster paws with
human bodies, who else would I have to hold my hand/paw? with just yours it would be ok, I think. What if I was the only one with a tiny hamster paw and a human body? Would you still hold my hand/paw in public?

I want to scratch your face gently with whiskers and whisper into your ear something
only you would understand.

I am losing sight of the big picture. Like how this is all meaningless and we are all going to die and maybe I should just be worrying about getting rich or being successful. But I just want to walk around the city for a little bit and worry about whether or not its ok to call you.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

I will laminate my heart and stuff it in your mailbox and this will prove that sometimes I can take risks and that maybe sometimes I can go too far or maybe not far enough.

I'm tired of how lately I can't seem to express how I feel
and how when I do you have no idea what I mean, or when
you refuse to accept that I mean what I mean.

Lately I've been thinking about you.

I'm thinking of elephants when I think of you.
I'm thinking of birds when I think of you.
I'm thinking of kittens when I think of you.
And I'm thinking of black babies too.

When you held my hand and sand flew into my eyes,
that was the best day ever, and when you left your keys
inside of your car and we got stuck out in the rain, that
was the best moment of my life.

Now I am in NYC, thinking of elephants and birds and cats and
black babies and satan too and how I worship the both of you.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012


I watched my body become another person's body today and felt vaguely happy about it.
When that other person's body left me I became headless, emotionless, a limbless robot
in search of love and a host to invade because at that point I had become a parasite. I am
a parasite now thinking 'why don't you love me?' give me comfort, clothing, and food.
I will be yours forever. I'm not asking for a lot, just a shoulder and some working parts.