elephants

Felt the need to write things to express myself,
but I don't want to write. I just want to punch
little kids with insect arms and strangle people
with jell-o.

This would be semi-satisfying to the point where
elephants wouldn't be so scary anymore. maybe.

I had a dream. It trampled all over me.
A pink and yellow elephant. Striped.

I feared for my life. Vigorously.
with averted eyes and androgynous
mannerisms.

I had a dream of you. Dead. I cried.
In my dream. Confused. Isolated. Lonely.
Unsure of myself. Or my feelings or
something.

Today I walked in a puddle of water.
Socks wet. Cold. I took the train home.
At home I went to sleep.

Saturday the 19th or something.

Woke up thinking 'i should masturbate or something'

But felt neither the urge nor motivation to do it.

I brushed my teeth, showered and looked at myself

In the mirror feeling neither confident or handsome.

I splashed water on my already wet face and got dressed

Feeling neither 'good' or 'satisfied' with what i was wearing.

Outside i called my dad and he told me things that

Happened to him. Hung up and felt bad for a few

Seconds and walked to the train station.

Took the 6 to 14th Street.

I feared for my life a little bit as a black or

Hispanic man stared at me with fierce

Intensity. I averted my eyes and thought

'If i need to i can fuck that guy up'

I listened to rap with the intent of feeling

'Tough' in case i did have to fuck someone up.

I got off the train and went to the strand.

I watched 'trendy' people work.

I asked 'trendy' people for help.

I bought

shoplifting at american apparel by tao lin

Cognitive behavioral-therapy by tao lin

Nothing a portrait of insomnia by blake butler

and everything matters by ron currie jr

I left the strand feeling vaguely satisfied

And bought a knish.

I was thinking 'this is my life. Its not so bad'

Then felt very lonely upon re entry into the subway

Station. Listened to neva dinova on the train and

Watched people cram themselves into the train.

Saw agitated and nervous faces.

I'll probably go home, buy chinese food and watch

I saw the devil on netlix alone and try not to think

Or care about it.

12 am trying to make an impact.

I dont make anything.

Not even a noise.

Stomach is hurting.

Feel the urge to pee.

This is my night.

This is every night.

Feel the urge to txt or call.

Feel like i have nothing to say.

Feel like you wont care if i did.

'This is bad'

I tell myself in my head.

I am lying on a couch.

I dont own a bed.

Just a space to die on.

Felt the need to be melodramatic

when I wrote that last line.

Feel like shit.

I am fucked.

I wish i could get a blowjob right now.

It would be nice.

Or maybe a hug.

A small hug and a smile.

But i dont get anything

And you get it all.

I want to hate you but I feel

Too smart for that.

So i only feel dis-contempt for

Myself.

Hiding my head in my pillow

Screaming softly inside.

Thinking 'this is it, this is it'

And telling myself

"Go to sleep"

While trying not

To 'sob'.

I couldn't 'sob'

If i wanted to anyways.

I dont feel a thing.

I want to hate you.

Maybe a little.

Boo hoo.

Wants... (A list)

I want my words to sound really deep and profound and melodramatic, so that my problems can come off

as 'unique' or 'important'.

I want to not be seen as self-aware but self-assure.

I want to learn to swim better despite never really going to swim.

I want to lose 60 pounds and grow an inch.

I want to write something really funny to impress girls who read my stuff.

I want a pet cat called 'Taco' or 'Troy'.

I want to create elevator music with subliminal messages that make listeners be nicer to their pets.

I want to stop having dreams of black babies and woman who made my life suck.

I want to go around calling people pedestrians.

I want a pair of baby blue vans.

I want to yell 'babies are a good source of protein' really loudly in an abortion clinic.

I want my future wife to look like Rachel Bilson and treat me like shit.

I want to not have to feel uncomfortable when I walk in a 'cutting edge' clothing store.

I want to be 'cutting edge' without seeming like I want to be cutting edge.

I want to not fall in love with every pretty girl who says nice things to me.

I want to not have to go to sleep at six in the morning.

11/6/2011

I'm not inspired by anything lately.
I feel, 'empty'. I threw up in my
mouth a bit. Whatever.

Pointless things feel pointless

like jumping off a bridge
or writing
a poem.
or reading a
book
or
liking anyone.

I want to put my head in a pillow.
and laugh sarcastically at
evolution.
at life.
at irony.

whatever.

I check my emails
I check my phone
I check my facebook
no new anything.

I will die like this
I think
or feel
at the
moment.

This is my life.

Staring at the computer screen.
I want to scream at it.
in a foreign language.
with a russian accent
in japanese.

BAKA!

'My life
is
over.'

I think
melodramatically
to
myself.