I am not sad.
or
lonely
or
human
or
mammalian.

I am not lonely.
or
poor
or
jobless
or
desperate.

Random Thoughts at 1 am.

You make me excited about life sometimes I think.
Like if you gave me a green apple, it would be the
best green apple ever.

If you gave me a kiss it would be the best kiss ever. Maybe.

I want to be excited about life all the time. I want to be like a baby.
Babies are always excited about life I think. Maybe. I don't really know.
What do babies think about? 'feed me' or 'boobies'...

I wonder if cats are excited about life ever. They have blank facial expressions.
I think cats are just as bored as humans. I think humans have more fun. Humans
should be more grateful. Although cats can lick their whole body, I want to be
able to lick my whole body. Maybe. I don't know. Forget that idea.

If I was an elephant I'd wish I could forget things. Who wants to remember everything?
That guy picking his nose. I will remember him forever, vividly.

I need successful sleep. Like waking up 'excited' or feeling not 'tired'.

Sadly I think I won't ever be able to feel satisfied.

Everything you do is pointless. Maybe.

I want to smoke a blunt.

Anti depressants depress me.

I will kill your family. With kindness.

Love me. Please.

I will buy a house and die or something. The American dream.

beach

we drove to a beach
to drink shitty beer
and all i could do
was think
this is going to
end badly
and it
did

'cause we
are old now
and thats the
only time
we were
happy,
talking
and laughing
hugging
and kissing
drinking
and wishing

and now we're old
and we've got all new
friends and longer
weekends, trying
not to be our
parents.

Sunday 10/23/2011

Prepared a salad for about 5 minutes. Ate the salad. Watched Dexter. Sat and thought about going outside to smoke. I don't have any cigarettes. My stomach hurts. In a weird way. like an electric current. My stomach is going to explode. I think I will die maybe.

Cleaned the apartment up a bit. It still looks messy. Thats ok. Thinking 'This feels nice' and laying
down on the rug. Listened to my ipod. Put new music on my ipod. Listened to 'kayo dot'. Thought
about things I shouldn't be thinking about. Trying not to care.

Thought about having a baby.
I would be happy I think.
Seems less lonely.
Plus you can make it wear
a sombrero and fake mustache.

Feeling lonely, a bit, maybe.

I'm going out for coffee.

Pretty Girls

As I walked around the city smoking an American Spirit cigarette and drinking a 75 cent cup of coffee, I thought about all the pretty women who I would never speak or sleep with. Its kind of a lonely feeling. Watching a beautiful woman walk right by you, watching her leave your sight.

I think of all the cool things I would say.
Then I think 'if I was someone else
I could deff pull that off, for sure...'

But I'm not someone else.

Sometimes I see pretty girls and I imagine what their lives are like. Are they married? Do they have boyfriends? Do they go to school? Do they work shitty minimum wage jobs? Are they happy? What kind of music do they listen to?

Sometimes I imagine a life in which I am married to them. In which we have kids. What it would be like.

I smoke my cigarette. Feeling like the worlds biggest pussy. I am a person just like them. I should be able to open my mouth and say hi. But instead I watch, I think, I imagine, I smoke, I drink, I walk away.

10/21/2011

In the city I keep thinking about coffee so I got a small 75 cent cup of coffee from the corner store and felt satisfied while I smoked a cigarette and watched people pass me by. I thought a bit about my life and wondered what the people passing by me think and how they 'perceive' me. I'd like to be 'perceived' as a positive and nice person. But I don't think I come off that way. I've tried to accept this. But in this city its kind of good. Actually maybe really good not to be 'perceived' as 'a nice and approachable' person.

I was asked for a cigarette today. 

I gave it to the guy.

He was happy.

I was happy he was happy.

I made someones day a little better.

I wish someone would make my day a little better.

My day isn't 'bad' but I want it to be better, exciting or fulfilling. 

As I drank coffee I thought 'I will buy her a sandwich and we will eat together and walk and talk and ride the train'.

I was thinking about the future then. 

That would be nice.

its supposed to be my moms burf day today. We will celebrate with lots of people, eat and drink. It will be nice, I hope. 

K. Bye.

Pregnant (Excerpt)

They were lying down on the bed looking at each others faces.

"This is nice, I thought things would go bad, but this is nice, she approves of 'us', that makes me happy" she says.

"Yeah I'm happy too." He says.

"You're happy? I thought you didn't care." she says.

"I don't care about anyones approval about 'us', but it makes you happy and more confident about 'us', that makes me happy" He says.

She smiles.
She kisses him.

"Now we have to figure out how to tell them about the baby" She says looking at his face.

"The baby? What baby?"

"I think... I think that maybe I'm pregnant."

"Pregnant.... What? You're kidding?"

"My period didn't come, its been a few days. Didn't you notice?"

"Not really I figured you just learned how not to complain"
He said, grinning.

"I can feel it. I know thats impossible, but I know I might be pregnant."
"Shit." He says.
"we're fucked." He says. Smiling.

"Is it wrong that I'm a little happy? I mean we are probably fucked, but I'm a little happy." He says.
She smiles and holds his hand.

"No its not wrong. I'm happy about it too. I mean I don't know, we've always talked about us having a baby, even when we weren't together. Now I'm maybe pregnant."

"Our baby... will be black..." He says.
She laughed.

"shut up... Maybe" She said.

"What will we name it?"He said.

"I don't know. I mean I've thought about it but right now I don't know"

"we don't have names... We don't have money... We are fucked"

"we'll be ok, we'll manage" she said.

"we can't feed the baby ramen noodles... we're fucked"

"Thats why god gave women boobs..." She said.

"Boobs... I guess. We're still fucked"



In the morning His dad looked at him grinning.
"a baby huh?" Said his dad.
"She told you already?" He said.
"No... I can just tell" Said his dad.
"you're a liar." He said.
"The walls are thin. Me and your mom heard a lot more than we would have liked to" Said his dad.
"Son of a bitch" he said.

At the mall they looked at baby things in a baby store.
"We don't know if we're pregnant yet" He said
"We're pregnant..." she said.
"I like that" she said, smiling.



"Dude you are fucked" said his friend while smoking a blunt.

"I know" he said taking the blunt from his friend and smoking.

"But I feel good. I mean I've always wanted a baby I think. Secretly"

"Why the fuck would you want a baby? Its a lot of fucking work man I mean all the shit my sister has to go through... I feel like killing you just thinking about it. I will kill you right now I swear to god I don't care. A crime of passion... no no a crime of salvation... because I care about you too much to see this happening to you" Said his friend.

"I'm glad that you care so much" He said.

"You should name the baby after me" Said his friend.
"After you? You don't even approve of it" He said.

"Yeah but I just think that would be cool"



At home he played video games. He was still a little high.
'I won't have time for this anymore' he thought.
'no more weed... no more video games... thats ok I guess I barely do that stuff now anyways'

She came home. She sat next to him.

"This game is boring" she said.

"you're boring" he said.

She got up and walked into the bathroom. Closed the door.
"I'm taking the test" She yelled.
He got up and went into the bathroom.

"Why did you come into the bathroom? I have to pee, I feel like I can't pee now. I can't perform under pressure" She said.

"I felt like its what I should do" he said.
"No... wait outside." She said.
"Ok". He left the bathroom.

A few minutes passed and she left the bathroom.
"well?" he said.
"I'm pregnant. I feel fat already" she said.
"You're not fat... yet" he said, grinning.
"thanks... i guess"



"Well you're older than I was when I had you" said his dad.

"I know, still..."

"Maybe now you'll finally get your shit together and get a real job"

"Whats wrong with the video store, thats a real job"

"a real shitty job... look you know you can work with me"

"no... I like having soft hands and not being bald"

His dad sighs.

"well are you going to get married?" Said his dad.

"I don't know, we haven't discussed it" he said.

"What is there to discuss? You just buy her a ring and ask her. I swear this generation... all about 'talking', she will say yes, she's having your baby"

"ok I will propose" he said.

"When?"

"soon."

"when?"

"Soon"

"When?"

"Ugh..."

He heads for the door.

"where are you going?"

"To buy a ring" he said.