surprise

You spell "penis" pen is and text it to me over and over

You type "my pen is giant"

I respond "My penis giant, lol"

I try to hear you laugh from wherever you are.

Try to mimic the sound from memory but it doesn't really work.

I play a waka flocka flame song on my ipod and think "I'm a trill ass nigga"

I'm from new york so I think its ok to think that.

I text you "I'm a trill ass nigga"

and you don't text me back.

I check to see if my text was sent and it says it was and I feel stupid.

Feel like texting to you how stupid I feel but I don't do it.

I don't do anything.

I lie in bed and touch my penis.

I think "masturbation" then I think "no"

Feels like the world is going to explode.

The explosion might be ok because everyone would die simultaneously and there will be no pain/sadness.

I picture you lying in bed next to me naked.

I picture your body exploding and instead of blood and guts there is confetti.

Surprise this is not the first time I have killed you in my head.

Beach

Beach body

I've been in Florida for four months and I haven't gone to the beach.

I am not a beach person.

I can't deal with sand and all the parts of my body it likes to invade.

I think "personal space" when I go to the beach. 

The beach invades my personal space and the desire to go to the beach leaves me.

Beaches just feel lonely or something.

Like when I watch good looking couples holding hands or little kids building sand castles I think "I am fucked, I am going to die alone" I have never built a sand castle, have never known what it's like to watch something I built be torn down by waves or destroyed by a bro trying to catch a frisbee.

I also think "boobs" when I go to the beach.

I think about bodies.

So many good looking bodies.

Male and female.

I am not comfortable with my body at the beach.

I hide my head underneath the sand, crabs pick at my eyeballs, my eyes water but I am not crying.

I sometimes think "sun shine" when I think of the beach. 

My favorite weather is cloudy gray skies, when it might rain in New York but it doesn't so you decide not to wear a jacket and the wind blows and you feel cold but free.

It's always cold and free, not warm and free. 

It is warm and I am feeling an immense weight in my chest,

beach, you have invaded my body yet again.