surprise

You spell "penis" pen is and text it to me over and over

You type "my pen is giant"

I respond "My penis giant, lol"

I try to hear you laugh from wherever you are.

Try to mimic the sound from memory but it doesn't really work.

I play a waka flocka flame song on my ipod and think "I'm a trill ass nigga"

I'm from new york so I think its ok to think that.

I text you "I'm a trill ass nigga"

and you don't text me back.

I check to see if my text was sent and it says it was and I feel stupid.

Feel like texting to you how stupid I feel but I don't do it.

I don't do anything.

I lie in bed and touch my penis.

I think "masturbation" then I think "no"

Feels like the world is going to explode.

The explosion might be ok because everyone would die simultaneously and there will be no pain/sadness.

I picture you lying in bed next to me naked.

I picture your body exploding and instead of blood and guts there is confetti.

Surprise this is not the first time I have killed you in my head.

Beach

Beach body

I've been in Florida for four months and I haven't gone to the beach.

I am not a beach person.

I can't deal with sand and all the parts of my body it likes to invade.

I think "personal space" when I go to the beach. 

The beach invades my personal space and the desire to go to the beach leaves me.

Beaches just feel lonely or something.

Like when I watch good looking couples holding hands or little kids building sand castles I think "I am fucked, I am going to die alone" I have never built a sand castle, have never known what it's like to watch something I built be torn down by waves or destroyed by a bro trying to catch a frisbee.

I also think "boobs" when I go to the beach.

I think about bodies.

So many good looking bodies.

Male and female.

I am not comfortable with my body at the beach.

I hide my head underneath the sand, crabs pick at my eyeballs, my eyes water but I am not crying.

I sometimes think "sun shine" when I think of the beach. 

My favorite weather is cloudy gray skies, when it might rain in New York but it doesn't so you decide not to wear a jacket and the wind blows and you feel cold but free.

It's always cold and free, not warm and free. 

It is warm and I am feeling an immense weight in my chest,

beach, you have invaded my body yet again.

You

I am lying down in the middle of the living room

my mouth is open but I'm not saying anything

want to scream fuck it, really loud but I don't

want to scare the neighbors. 

Don't want to upset my dog.

I move around on the carpet.

Trying to get comfortable.

I am failing miserably.

I ingest adderall and count to ten.

If I am calm enough "You" will magically appear in front of me.

But there is no "You"

I don't know who "You" are...

Feels like I am imagining "You"

making "You" up

If I fall asleep in the middle of the living room it will be tomorrow and I will have to go to work and everything will start all over again.

I want to fall asleep and wake up five years from now.

Maybe then there will be a real "You" and my desires/life would make sense.

Being Human

I feel comfortable holding your hand, like I am not worrying about sweating too much, or moving too much. 

Like I am not worried about anything.

Five months from this very moment I will be rocking back and forth on the couch questioning my existence.

I will be checking your every status update, deleting you and re-requesting you.

I will stalk your web presence the way I traced your body with imaginary fingers.

I will poke you, and cry into a pillow “love me back or stab me I don’t care I just want something to happen.”

I talked to a friend once about my depression, I asked him what the fuck am I even doing here,
to which he replied, “being human.”

and I felt like everything made sense and I was going to be ok or something.

Loud Intense Nothing

I am using my shitty Internet connection to the fullest.

At night I browse for the "best" porn videos I haven't seen yet.

I watch cam girls take off their clothes and masturbate for money.

At work I am quiet and efficient. I don't stop working till I am told

to go to lunch or take a break or something.

I think about all of the girls

I used to talk to. I don't really talk with anyone anymore. I've isolated myself

from the world. Sometimes I comment on facebook or retweet a tweet but other than

that I don't really socialize or anything. I have become a hermit, "irl" and on the

internet. Wtf. I can't get a girl to fall in love with me. I cant seem to fall in love with anyone

I rarely masturbate in the shower, I mostly just think about life and stuff.

I haven't dreamed about sex in months. Seems sad kind of.

I haven't smoked weed in a month.

I miss it sometimes but not really. I don't know what I want to do. Seems like I want to write

but I can't take my writing seriously. Feels like I haven't experienced anything outside of going

to work and watching gossip girl on netflix.

Wow. I dont feel depressed but I don't feel not depressed.

I've been smoking more cigarettes now than I used to. I don't even like it much but there's nothing else.

There is cancer in my mouth I think, I pick at it with my tongue as I lie awake in bed.

I just want to kiss pretty girls

and feel ok about things.

Feel out of control most days. Like I could be yelling but I hold myself back. Feel like I should

yell mean things at myself in the mirror and cry. But I don't feel like crying.

I want to buy a bike and ride it somewhere but

I feel stupid riding a bike and I dont know if I would feel like riding it anymore once I buy one and like ride it once. I do that

a lot, I get into things, like obsess over things and then lose interest quick. I'm sorry ladies. I think I have ADD or something.

Sometimes I want a cat and then sometimes I don't want one enough, so I just think about wanting one and live vicariously through my

thoughts.

I don't know anything anymore.

Feels good outside tonight but not good enough.

Feel anxious about nothing in particular.

Seems fucked.

Cover my legs with sand and trample all over my body

I want to bleed enough blood to make sharks take the initiative
to try to walk on land. I don't believe in vampires, I'm sorry.
I just want to kiss girls with green alien eyes, and purple skin.


Pour sand over my legs, do anything
I'm a slut, I feel ridiculous,
pour grains of salt over my mouth
I want kidney stones the size of boulders
bury my body in Austin
I want to be remembered for my beard and
not my beer belly
I am tired of voice mail and student loans
cover me in honey and pour alcohol into
my lungs
I want to be so drunk I can't remember
ever being drunk
fuck it, just kiss me now and pretend we
are in love
I am ready.

I can't help but think about you, damn

If I could describe you with just one word it would be iconic
Damn me for liking everything about you
You make smoking cigarettes look seductive
I want to pour you in a glass of water and drink you
Lately I've been pretending you are all I need, toying with the idea that you could make happy
Pfft, as if
What I'm really saying is I want your lazy body next to mine
Come lay down with me
We can talk about raising children together and other things we might regret.