3.28.2012

I am seeking human validation through words I write.

Like me now.

I want to be a robot with an emotion knob. That way I could
choose when I want to be in 'existential despair'

There would be a self destruct switch and I would constantly
feel the impulse to use it

I am looking in the mirror and grinning. I can't help but not like my
face.

I've been told my eyes are beautiful. I hate the brownness of them.

My eyes just seem needy to me.

Feels like my heart is codependent.

Sometime's it feels like my heart is thinking and it depresses me.
Nobody cares that you feel neglected.

Sometimes I feel the urge to buy a sandwhich from subways but then I think
its too complicated so I order chineese food instead and feel bad about
not eating healthy.

I also feel bad when I smoke cigarettes and drink soda.

It feels like I will have cancer soon, like I get really worried and google things and
feel like shit.

I hope that if I do end up dying miserable and alone it happens before I am thirty because
I don't want to be middle aged and still suffering from an 'existential crisis'

Feels like when I do die I will be crawled up on the floor in the fetal possition, clutching my iPod and and waiting for a text message.

I hope my body just slowly turns into mist or something, I don't want to be stuck in a coffin, seems bleak.

Tiny Hamster Paw

I don't think I could ever have a relationship with a girl who doesn't like poetry
because then why would she think I was special? What else do I have going for me?
But I am not special I think, poetry isn't special to starving kids in those fucked countries.
And poets are all spoiled 20 somethings any way, hanging out at a 24 hour walmart wishing
they were at whole foods. 

I want to hold your hand. What if we both had tiny hamster paws with
human bodies, who else would I have to hold my hand/paw? with just yours it would be ok, I think. What if I was the only one with a tiny hamster paw and a human body? Would you still hold my hand/paw in public?

I want to scratch your face gently with whiskers and whisper into your ear something
only you would understand.

I am losing sight of the big picture. Like how this is all meaningless and we are all going to die and maybe I should just be worrying about getting rich or being successful. But I just want to walk around the city for a little bit and worry about whether or not its ok to call you.

I will laminate my heart and stuff it in your mailbox and this will prove that sometimes I can take risks and that maybe sometimes I can go too far or maybe not far enough.

I'm tired of how lately I can't seem to express how I feel
and how when I do you have no idea what I mean, or when
you refuse to accept that I mean what I mean.

Lately I've been thinking about you.

I'm thinking of elephants when I think of you.
I'm thinking of birds when I think of you.
I'm thinking of kittens when I think of you.
And I'm thinking of black babies too.

When you held my hand and sand flew into my eyes,
that was the best day ever, and when you left your keys
inside of your car and we got stuck out in the rain, that
was the best moment of my life.

Now I am in NYC, thinking of elephants and birds and cats and
black babies and satan too and how I worship the both of you.

parasite

I watched my body become another person's body today and felt vaguely happy about it.
When that other person's body left me I became headless, emotionless, a limbless robot
in search of love and a host to invade because at that point I had become a parasite. I am
a parasite now thinking 'why don't you love me?' give me comfort, clothing, and food.
I will be yours forever. I'm not asking for a lot, just a shoulder and some working parts.

Baby koala, you, me and the starving children

I don't know why but when I think of baby koala bears clinging to trees I think of you.
And when I think of you I think of me. Because everything revolves around me.

That's selfish to say. I feel bad for saying it. But its only a momentary feeling. Like watching
those commercials with the starving children and abused animals. I feel bad only in fleeting moments.
Once the channel is switched everything is back to being ok, for me. Sorry.

I am very American. My happiness is my top priority. My 'birth right' or something. It is very bad
to admit that I think that. I should win a noble prize. Not for peace but for pieces.

"He is very complex, a puzzle." The noble peace prize comity all nod in agreement. Synonymously.

I am awesome, I think to myself at 12:21 am. And you are just a koala bear clinging to a tree.

One day we will both die and knowing this is the only way I can get through the day

Feel like being 'uncharacteristic'
like saying 'fuck you' on the phone
or sending you a postcard with
obscene words and writing p.s. these
are my feelings.

One day I will wake up and there
wont be thoughts about you at 4am.

Or I wont be writing about waking up
and thinking about you at 4am.

I will send you a letter that says "fuck
your merry christmas, I hope you die
at 4 am, on a weekend or something."

I don't want to die.

When the world explodes I will feel
comfort in knowing that you are somewhere
exploding too.

Because when I think  I love you
I hope I mean I don't.

I don't
I wont
I don't
I wont
I don't

Out of control

You were sitting down reading a book. I was reading a book too.
My book was probably better than yours.  It feels bad to write that.
It felt good to think it. I am pretty self-indulgent. I hate myself very much.
I apologize more than a Japanese waiter. I feel like shit. Like when you
flush your toilet. Why are you pushing me away? I don't know why I exist.
In fact I believe I don't.

I remember seeing you before I 'knew' you. I liked you better then. Pretty smile and not so bitchy. If I could tell you the truth I'd sound really bitter. Don't make me make sense. I feel like condensed soup. I hate my microwave. Sometimes on days like this I forget what I started writing about. I lose focus. Out of touch. 

A mother tells her son "You are out of control," the son tells his dog "you are out

of control." Its a vicious cycle. We are all out of control. Crying or wanting to. Smile.