realization

I think to myself 'my heart was made to be broken'
and then I smirk because I realize i am being melodramatic
and stupid. severely stupid. and i hate myself for a few
minutes.
This is how i feel. I feel like I can't make a connection.
a real tangible connection. when i do it dies quickly.
i feel like i should be throwing things around and be stupid.
react physically, emotionally and illogically somehow. but
instead i sit and think about how stupid i am, and how
i know that as long as i like someone they will never like me
back.
and i think about how i'm not supposed to care and be tough
and like say something about there being more fish in the sea
but i feel like i never really learned how to fish. so i feel
fucked.
and i hate myself for a few minutes but the feeling goes away
and im left feeling bored, and slightly depressed. not a real
depression but like i can say to myself out loud 'i am sad,
really fucking sad' and mean it.
But its not a sadness where I'll act stupid and cry
its more of a quiet self realization sadness.
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
maybe.

marriage

one day
I will move into your house.
I will sleep in your bed.
I will shower in your bathroom.
I will eat from your fridge.
I will leave apologetic sticky notes.
and you will hate me. and you will
want to kill me. but i will love you always.
sincerely yours with all the love in the apple
core that is my heart,
Alex

Lately I've been pretty depressed about my lack of friends or my lack of liking the friends I do have. Conversing with some of the people I know is hard because no one ever seems to have an opinion on anything. And txting the response to anything is usually just 'lol' and thats it.

variation....
sometimes a response will say
'sweet'
'neat'
'cool'
'damn'
'i'm sorry'
'that sucks'
'interesting'

but it all leads to nothing. I don't have anyone to talk to and I am being consumed by mosquitoes.

k. bye.

Dinner

I was sitting down eating green rice and chicken, listening to music.
The singer screamed "Who stole our hearts, who left us so hollow".
I felt depressed. Lonely, bored and hopeless. I could feel tears begin
to swell up but I didn't cry.

I still feel pretty low. I can't get over stuff as fast as my peers. But none
of my peers can really relate to my situation, so I shrug off every one's attempts
at helping me. Which to them help is telling me everything will be alright. Or to
get over it. While they go on living better more fulfilling lives than me.

I want to go somewhere with someone. Someone who matters to me and i hope i
matter to them too. But that won't happen. And so i stay sitting, eyes swelling up but
not producing tears. Thinking, reflecting, and waiting.

Super powers, james earl the 3rd, sarah.

If I could have any super power in the world it would be to rewind time for about ten minutes.
only and exactly ten minutes. So that when ever I got into an argument with someone I could
better prepare myself and say things better the second time. Everything I'd say would be rational
and sound articulate even if most of it is full of shit and stupid because most arguments are full
of shit and stupid. Most people arguing tend to be full of shit and stupid and are too into their own
ideologies to realize they are full of shit and stupid. I know i too am part of the 'they', I don't deny
that.

Today I want to do something nice. Like ride a bike and go eat ice cream and visit sarah. And me
and Sarah would talk about ice cream flavors that should never be talked about like 'lemon maggot sundaes or fish avocado vanilla bean'.

We would climb a tree together and look for coconuts and laugh about how we are too scared to jump
down even if the distance isn't so bad.

I want to find a random cat and give it a name and take a picture of it and write the facebook description as 'my long lost feline brother james earl the third'.

I will do these things one day with Sarah maybe. If I ever find Sarah. I think Sarah would like to turn back time for ten minutes too so that we could enjoy our ice creams over and over again without getting fat.

This is not about a girl

There is a blanket on my face.
It is very warm and I am sweating.
But underneath the blanket I feel calm.
Like when I used to hide in boxes as
a little kid with my sisters cat.
That cat is dead now. I think I killed it
by accident when I was four.

I didn't cry tonight, but I could feel tiny
drops of water trying to seep out of
my eyes. I didn't keep them from coming out
they just wanted to act stupid.

This is not about a girl, I tell myself and repeat
it over and over. A new mantra.

This is not about a girl
this is not about a girl
this is not about a girl
get over yourself.

Today I wake up and think
I was stupid last night. I lied
to myself last night. Like I do
every night. Like I will do right now
when I say

This is not about a girl.

And maybe I will believe myself
and maybe you'll believe me too.

Because this is not about you.
Honestly.
This is not for you.

Please believe me.
Ok?
Bye.