realization

I think to myself 'my heart was made to be broken'
and then I smirk because I realize i am being melodramatic
and stupid. severely stupid. and i hate myself for a few
minutes.
This is how i feel. I feel like I can't make a connection.
a real tangible connection. when i do it dies quickly.
i feel like i should be throwing things around and be stupid.
react physically, emotionally and illogically somehow. but
instead i sit and think about how stupid i am, and how
i know that as long as i like someone they will never like me
back.
and i think about how i'm not supposed to care and be tough
and like say something about there being more fish in the sea
but i feel like i never really learned how to fish. so i feel
fucked.
and i hate myself for a few minutes but the feeling goes away
and im left feeling bored, and slightly depressed. not a real
depression but like i can say to myself out loud 'i am sad,
really fucking sad' and mean it.
But its not a sadness where I'll act stupid and cry
its more of a quiet self realization sadness.
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
maybe.