This is not about a girl

There is a blanket on my face.
It is very warm and I am sweating.
But underneath the blanket I feel calm.
Like when I used to hide in boxes as
a little kid with my sisters cat.
That cat is dead now. I think I killed it
by accident when I was four.

I didn't cry tonight, but I could feel tiny
drops of water trying to seep out of
my eyes. I didn't keep them from coming out
they just wanted to act stupid.

This is not about a girl, I tell myself and repeat
it over and over. A new mantra.

This is not about a girl
this is not about a girl
this is not about a girl
get over yourself.

Today I wake up and think
I was stupid last night. I lied
to myself last night. Like I do
every night. Like I will do right now
when I say

This is not about a girl.

And maybe I will believe myself
and maybe you'll believe me too.

Because this is not about you.
Honestly.
This is not for you.

Please believe me.
Ok?
Bye.