small defeat

Got home from work and smoked a cigarette.
I didn't really feel like smoking but felt the 'need'
to smoke because I had nothing else to do.

Spongebob is on the tv. Nobody home.
I feel 'lonely' in a quiet and melodramatic way.

Like I will never watch spongebob with someone
I like a lot...

I don't like spongebob and its making me feel even
lonelier but I can't find the remote to turn it off and
I'm feeling lazy and melodramatic. I can't muster up
the energy needed to get up and turn it off.

Feels like 'physical contact' with the TV will cause my
arm to fall off.

Feel like I should masturbate despite not having the 'will'
to do so, so I won't.

I won't masturbate right now.

Staring at my phone screen.

Thinking 'text' but the idea of 'texting' someone feels like
'small defeat' and the idea of thinking 'small defeat' itself feels
like 'small defeat'.

Chill, bro...

I don't know.