last night

Felt lonely for 5 or more hours last night
thinking 'its impossible, its impossible'
not knowing exactly what that 'its impossible'
really meant but just thinking it because it
was something i felt for 2 minutes straight.
Smoked about 5x cigarettes while listening to
'you will not survive' by 'the saddest landscape'
and got a huge buzz because i rarely smoke.
went into a coughing fit for almost 3 minutes.
went into my room and watched 'paranormal activity 2'
alone.
thinking 'i really wish i was holding someone's hand right
now'
it was a particular someone that I was wishing would show up magically
and 'hold my hand and pet my head'and maybe tell me 'i love you its ok,
i am here'
then i typed this.
then i did nothing but edit this and make it more shitty for about ten minutes.
i don't know how to end this.
so i won't.....
i will edit this more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and some
more.
and think 'this is pointless'
me typing this up
was pointless because
this is
not a poem
or 'poetic'
and 'i have no talent'
then i thought about today
and how i have no plans except
to maybe study and write some more
pointless things
and i hate myself.