I am not sad.
or
lonely
or
human
or
mammalian.

I am not lonely.
or
poor
or
jobless
or
desperate.

Random Thoughts at 1 am.

You make me excited about life sometimes I think.
Like if you gave me a green apple, it would be the
best green apple ever.

If you gave me a kiss it would be the best kiss ever. Maybe.

I want to be excited about life all the time. I want to be like a baby.
Babies are always excited about life I think. Maybe. I don't really know.
What do babies think about? 'feed me' or 'boobies'...

I wonder if cats are excited about life ever. They have blank facial expressions.
I think cats are just as bored as humans. I think humans have more fun. Humans
should be more grateful. Although cats can lick their whole body, I want to be
able to lick my whole body. Maybe. I don't know. Forget that idea.

If I was an elephant I'd wish I could forget things. Who wants to remember everything?
That guy picking his nose. I will remember him forever, vividly.

I need successful sleep. Like waking up 'excited' or feeling not 'tired'.

Sadly I think I won't ever be able to feel satisfied.

Everything you do is pointless. Maybe.

I want to smoke a blunt.

Anti depressants depress me.

I will kill your family. With kindness.

Love me. Please.

I will buy a house and die or something. The American dream.

beach

we drove to a beach
to drink shitty beer
and all i could do
was think
this is going to
end badly
and it
did

'cause we
are old now
and thats the
only time
we were
happy,
talking
and laughing
hugging
and kissing
drinking
and wishing

and now we're old
and we've got all new
friends and longer
weekends, trying
not to be our
parents.

Sunday 10/23/2011

Prepared a salad for about 5 minutes. Ate the salad. Watched Dexter. Sat and thought about going outside to smoke. I don't have any cigarettes. My stomach hurts. In a weird way. like an electric current. My stomach is going to explode. I think I will die maybe.

Cleaned the apartment up a bit. It still looks messy. Thats ok. Thinking 'This feels nice' and laying
down on the rug. Listened to my ipod. Put new music on my ipod. Listened to 'kayo dot'. Thought
about things I shouldn't be thinking about. Trying not to care.

Thought about having a baby.
I would be happy I think.
Seems less lonely.
Plus you can make it wear
a sombrero and fake mustache.

Feeling lonely, a bit, maybe.

I'm going out for coffee.

Pretty Girls

As I walked around the city smoking an American Spirit cigarette and drinking a 75 cent cup of coffee, I thought about all the pretty women who I would never speak or sleep with. Its kind of a lonely feeling. Watching a beautiful woman walk right by you, watching her leave your sight.

I think of all the cool things I would say.
Then I think 'if I was someone else
I could deff pull that off, for sure...'

But I'm not someone else.

Sometimes I see pretty girls and I imagine what their lives are like. Are they married? Do they have boyfriends? Do they go to school? Do they work shitty minimum wage jobs? Are they happy? What kind of music do they listen to?

Sometimes I imagine a life in which I am married to them. In which we have kids. What it would be like.

I smoke my cigarette. Feeling like the worlds biggest pussy. I am a person just like them. I should be able to open my mouth and say hi. But instead I watch, I think, I imagine, I smoke, I drink, I walk away.

10/21/2011

In the city I keep thinking about coffee so I got a small 75 cent cup of coffee from the corner store and felt satisfied while I smoked a cigarette and watched people pass me by. I thought a bit about my life and wondered what the people passing by me think and how they 'perceive' me. I'd like to be 'perceived' as a positive and nice person. But I don't think I come off that way. I've tried to accept this. But in this city its kind of good. Actually maybe really good not to be 'perceived' as 'a nice and approachable' person.

I was asked for a cigarette today. 

I gave it to the guy.

He was happy.

I was happy he was happy.

I made someones day a little better.

I wish someone would make my day a little better.

My day isn't 'bad' but I want it to be better, exciting or fulfilling. 

As I drank coffee I thought 'I will buy her a sandwich and we will eat together and walk and talk and ride the train'.

I was thinking about the future then. 

That would be nice.

its supposed to be my moms burf day today. We will celebrate with lots of people, eat and drink. It will be nice, I hope. 

K. Bye.

Pregnant (Excerpt)

They were lying down on the bed looking at each others faces.

"This is nice, I thought things would go bad, but this is nice, she approves of 'us', that makes me happy" she says.

"Yeah I'm happy too." He says.

"You're happy? I thought you didn't care." she says.

"I don't care about anyones approval about 'us', but it makes you happy and more confident about 'us', that makes me happy" He says.

She smiles.
She kisses him.

"Now we have to figure out how to tell them about the baby" She says looking at his face.

"The baby? What baby?"

"I think... I think that maybe I'm pregnant."

"Pregnant.... What? You're kidding?"

"My period didn't come, its been a few days. Didn't you notice?"

"Not really I figured you just learned how not to complain"
He said, grinning.

"I can feel it. I know thats impossible, but I know I might be pregnant."
"Shit." He says.
"we're fucked." He says. Smiling.

"Is it wrong that I'm a little happy? I mean we are probably fucked, but I'm a little happy." He says.
She smiles and holds his hand.

"No its not wrong. I'm happy about it too. I mean I don't know, we've always talked about us having a baby, even when we weren't together. Now I'm maybe pregnant."

"Our baby... will be black..." He says.
She laughed.

"shut up... Maybe" She said.

"What will we name it?"He said.

"I don't know. I mean I've thought about it but right now I don't know"

"we don't have names... We don't have money... We are fucked"

"we'll be ok, we'll manage" she said.

"we can't feed the baby ramen noodles... we're fucked"

"Thats why god gave women boobs..." She said.

"Boobs... I guess. We're still fucked"



In the morning His dad looked at him grinning.
"a baby huh?" Said his dad.
"She told you already?" He said.
"No... I can just tell" Said his dad.
"you're a liar." He said.
"The walls are thin. Me and your mom heard a lot more than we would have liked to" Said his dad.
"Son of a bitch" he said.

At the mall they looked at baby things in a baby store.
"We don't know if we're pregnant yet" He said
"We're pregnant..." she said.
"I like that" she said, smiling.



"Dude you are fucked" said his friend while smoking a blunt.

"I know" he said taking the blunt from his friend and smoking.

"But I feel good. I mean I've always wanted a baby I think. Secretly"

"Why the fuck would you want a baby? Its a lot of fucking work man I mean all the shit my sister has to go through... I feel like killing you just thinking about it. I will kill you right now I swear to god I don't care. A crime of passion... no no a crime of salvation... because I care about you too much to see this happening to you" Said his friend.

"I'm glad that you care so much" He said.

"You should name the baby after me" Said his friend.
"After you? You don't even approve of it" He said.

"Yeah but I just think that would be cool"



At home he played video games. He was still a little high.
'I won't have time for this anymore' he thought.
'no more weed... no more video games... thats ok I guess I barely do that stuff now anyways'

She came home. She sat next to him.

"This game is boring" she said.

"you're boring" he said.

She got up and walked into the bathroom. Closed the door.
"I'm taking the test" She yelled.
He got up and went into the bathroom.

"Why did you come into the bathroom? I have to pee, I feel like I can't pee now. I can't perform under pressure" She said.

"I felt like its what I should do" he said.
"No... wait outside." She said.
"Ok". He left the bathroom.

A few minutes passed and she left the bathroom.
"well?" he said.
"I'm pregnant. I feel fat already" she said.
"You're not fat... yet" he said, grinning.
"thanks... i guess"



"Well you're older than I was when I had you" said his dad.

"I know, still..."

"Maybe now you'll finally get your shit together and get a real job"

"Whats wrong with the video store, thats a real job"

"a real shitty job... look you know you can work with me"

"no... I like having soft hands and not being bald"

His dad sighs.

"well are you going to get married?" Said his dad.

"I don't know, we haven't discussed it" he said.

"What is there to discuss? You just buy her a ring and ask her. I swear this generation... all about 'talking', she will say yes, she's having your baby"

"ok I will propose" he said.

"When?"

"soon."

"when?"

"Soon"

"When?"

"Ugh..."

He heads for the door.

"where are you going?"

"To buy a ring" he said.

Sad Builidings (Very Short Story)

They were walking outside. They passed lots of buildings.
"these building all seem so sad" she said.
"not all of them" he said.
"show me a building that isn't sad" she said.
"ok"
He looked around the street. He saw an abandoned church. He pointed at it.
"That building doesn't look sad" he said.
"it looks scary" she said.
"scary is good" he said.
"scary is sad" She said.
"sad is good" He said.
He grinned. She kissed him on the cheek. She grabbed his hand.

"I am sad right now. Thats why the buildings seem sad to me I think." She said.

'She's sad. Thats not good. I can't make her happy. I feel bad. But I'm not
happy either.but I feel like you shouldn't say those things. It makes other
people feel bad. She doesn't care she just says things. I like that. But it
makes me feel bad. I'm not enough for her.'

Her phone made a noise. She received a txt message. She read the txt message
and laughed.

'someone told her something funny. She looks happy. someone else can make her
happy with just a txt. i'm right here and i can't make her happy. maybe she's
starting to like me less. i knew this would happen eventually but just not now.
its too soon, or too late. if this happened earlier maybe i wouldn't feel so
bad. i don't know'

She txt the person back.

'she's txting while she's with me. Talking to me isn't enough. i feel lonely now,
i'm walking with her, she's with me but i feel lonely right now because she is having
more fun txting someone else than being with me. i feel stupid.'

he pulled out his cell phone. he started looking for people to txt but the only person he
would want to txt was walking next to him.

'if she liked me as much as i liked her she wouldn't feel the need to txt someone while she
was with me. i think. maybe. i don't know. i just don't know.'

Before they were in a 'relationship' she would txt him and email him a lot. They spent most
of the time on Google chat, txting or on the phone. She would tell him how all she could think
about was receiving a txt from him or an email. he was happy because he felt the same. now they
were 'together' and she barely txt him. and when they were together she mostly txted other people.
He felt confused thinking 'i knew this would happen, I shouldn't feel bad because i knew this
would happen.'
He started walking a little bit faster. He was a head of her, by the time she noticed he was a few
feet away from her. she walked faster to catch up.

"why are you walking so fast?" she said. But she meant it rhetorically maybe because she didn't wait
for an answer she just went back to her phone.
He kept thinking if he walked fast enough he would dissapear. and if he dissapeared none of this would
matter. He closed his eyes and tripped a little bit on a tree root.
She didn't notice.
He was annoyed, not because of almost tripping but because she didn't notice.

'when she is around i notice everything that happens to her. this is bad. really bad.'

"I think we have to break up" he said.
"what?" she said. She didn't hear him.
He became more angry than before. He pulled out his
phone and sent her a txt.

'i think we have to break up' it said.

Songs I wrote That You'll Never Hear pt.1

Thinking about you:

I'm thinking about you
while I cross the street
thinking about you while I stare at my feet
I'm thinking about you while this strager passes by
thinking about you when I'm swarmed by flies
I'm thinking about you when i txt hi
thinking about you when you don't reply
to that txt I
sent 5 hours ago
and i feel sad
I mean i feel bad
I mean i feel
I feel
I feel
and I'm thinking about you on the stereo
I'm thinking thats a song I wish I wrote
I'm thinking its something i'd like you to hear
but then you'd fall in love and you'd dissapear
I'm thinking about you and how you'll never hear
this song.

Kill everyone:

I'm sincere when I say "I wish you were here"
and how every car that passes makes me wish
I'd dissapear cause my heart stops, yeah my
heart stops, cause I think it is you
and I wait and I wait and wait
but no one ever comes, and I wait and I wait
and I wait and i wish i'd bought a shotgun
cause
I
wanna
kill
everyone

Shoes:

And I think you're cute even when you
wear silly shoes, yeah I think you're cute
when I think of you being used, yeah I think
you're the cutest when you walk into the room
I think you're really cute when you inhale those fumes
and we're smoking, we're smoking and taking turns on
getting burned and we're smoking and smoking
cause we never learned
and I just think you're cute when you wear silly
shoes and can't walk straight after drinking 2x beers

Popsicle:

You ate a popsicle
I think it was blue
or red
or green
or purple
or orange...
you ate a popsicle
while sitting on
my bed,
you ate a popsicle
and threw it at my head
you ate a popsicle
while i cried myself
to sleep
you ate a popsicle
while i wrote bad poetry
you ate a popsicle
and didn't offer me none
you cold hearted bitch....

last night

Felt lonely for 5 or more hours last night
thinking 'its impossible, its impossible'
not knowing exactly what that 'its impossible'
really meant but just thinking it because it
was something i felt for 2 minutes straight.
Smoked about 5x cigarettes while listening to
'you will not survive' by 'the saddest landscape'
and got a huge buzz because i rarely smoke.
went into a coughing fit for almost 3 minutes.
went into my room and watched 'paranormal activity 2'
alone.
thinking 'i really wish i was holding someone's hand right
now'
it was a particular someone that I was wishing would show up magically
and 'hold my hand and pet my head'and maybe tell me 'i love you its ok,
i am here'
then i typed this.
then i did nothing but edit this and make it more shitty for about ten minutes.
i don't know how to end this.
so i won't.....
i will edit this more
and more
and more
and more
and more
and some
more.
and think 'this is pointless'
me typing this up
was pointless because
this is
not a poem
or 'poetic'
and 'i have no talent'
then i thought about today
and how i have no plans except
to maybe study and write some more
pointless things
and i hate myself.

depression, as a person (a poem)

stealing neighbors shitty internet,
not being able to load any videos
or download any porn. I'm frustrated
and I feel lonely.
Thinking 'it would be nice if some cute
girl magically appeared beside me so that
i could cuddle and have sex with her'
Thinking 'that will never happen you fucking
loser'
I can't move or I'll lose the connection.
This piece of shit.
Shit.
Shit as an adjective, shit as a noun.
Fuck. as a verb.
I hate life.
a little maybe.
I'm depressed.
whatever.
depression, as a person
killing lots of fat people.
too much space occupation.
i hate myself.
spare the fat ones.
nevermind.
depression, as an adjective
describing me.
"he looks like depression"
me in cage being pointed at
"daddy he is depressed"
"yes son, don't make eye contact
its contagious"
"ok daddy, buy me mcdonalds?"
"sure son, whatever you want"

cooler

i feel like i should be cooler.
alone, out loud, i think
'i could be cooler'

i feel like if i were cooler
i wouldn't be sitting down
thinking to myself alone, out loud,
'i could be cooler'

but i would be doing something
stupid with friends

and if i was cooler i wouldn't think
the stupid things i was doing were stupid
i would think they were 'chill'

i'd be 'chilling with my bro's doing bitchin' things'

and i'd be happy and smiling
not only because of the drugs but
also because being cool means you
are instantaneously happy , i think, alone
out loud to myself.

i'm going to do 50 push ups and
drink 5 cans of rockstar and try
to be cool.

k. bye.

pedro.fake mustache. sombrero. Sarah.

He sits alone. He's thinking 'I'll give up on life, I'll give up on life, I mean I sorta already have.'
He's bored and depressed. Now he's outside. Bored and depressed, watching cars. He is not a car person. Just a bored and depressed person. He looks at the snow and thinks

'I should throw a snowball at my face.I wish someone would throw a snowball at my face. I would feel slightly annoyed and then laugh because I'm a stupid person for taking myself so serious and deserve snow in my face, and i Would throw a snowball back at that person but maybe not in the face because I would feel bad'

He walks towards the bus stop and gets on the bus. The bus is going somewhere. He doesn't know where. He doesn't care where. He just wants somewhere to go to. He sits on the bus looking at people. People look mad. People look depressed. People look annoyed. Annoyed at life. Like him. But they are all happier than him. He knows this because he can feel it. The bus stops. He gets off the bus.

Outside of the bus life feels different. More real. 'The bus was the twilight zone. I liked the bus' he thought.But he didn't really like the bus. He was confused. Caught between liking and disliking.
'the bus is like Sarah. I feel different when I am with her. She likes cats and poptarts. I like cats and poptarts. I like Sarah. She doesn't like me... maybe. She didn't call. Four days.... four years. Its been a lifetime.I want a cat to pet. I would name it Pedro and give it to Sarah. With a fake mustache and a sombrero. Its festive'

He walks in a random direction. He doesn't know where he is going. He sees a store and walks into the store. Behind the counter there's a man with a mustache.

'pedro.fake mustache. sombrero. Sarah' he thinks, grinning.

The mustashed counter man averts his eyes.

'He thinks I will steal his soul. I only want his mustache'

He looks at the candy aisle.

'She said she would call today. I waited. I feel stupid. Maybe she will call soon. So stupid. I will assault mustache man with a bag of skittles if she doesn't call right now'

Mustache man was speaking on a cellphone in spanish. Not paying attention.
He grabbed a bag of jolly ranchers, some m&ms and a snickers bar and walked out of the store.

'I just stole from mustache man... I took from his income. Thats bad.I am an ass hole. I don't deserve to be called'

He openned the bag of jolly ranchers. He put one in his mouth. He no longer cared about Mustache man's income because Jolly ranchers are Sarah's favorite candy.

realization

I think to myself 'my heart was made to be broken'
and then I smirk because I realize i am being melodramatic
and stupid. severely stupid. and i hate myself for a few
minutes.
This is how i feel. I feel like I can't make a connection.
a real tangible connection. when i do it dies quickly.
i feel like i should be throwing things around and be stupid.
react physically, emotionally and illogically somehow. but
instead i sit and think about how stupid i am, and how
i know that as long as i like someone they will never like me
back.
and i think about how i'm not supposed to care and be tough
and like say something about there being more fish in the sea
but i feel like i never really learned how to fish. so i feel
fucked.
and i hate myself for a few minutes but the feeling goes away
and im left feeling bored, and slightly depressed. not a real
depression but like i can say to myself out loud 'i am sad,
really fucking sad' and mean it.
But its not a sadness where I'll act stupid and cry
its more of a quiet self realization sadness.
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
a realization of how fucked i am
maybe.

marriage

one day
I will move into your house.
I will sleep in your bed.
I will shower in your bathroom.
I will eat from your fridge.
I will leave apologetic sticky notes.
and you will hate me. and you will
want to kill me. but i will love you always.
sincerely yours with all the love in the apple
core that is my heart,
Alex

Lately I've been pretty depressed about my lack of friends or my lack of liking the friends I do have. Conversing with some of the people I know is hard because no one ever seems to have an opinion on anything. And txting the response to anything is usually just 'lol' and thats it.

variation....
sometimes a response will say
'sweet'
'neat'
'cool'
'damn'
'i'm sorry'
'that sucks'
'interesting'

but it all leads to nothing. I don't have anyone to talk to and I am being consumed by mosquitoes.

k. bye.

Dinner

I was sitting down eating green rice and chicken, listening to music.
The singer screamed "Who stole our hearts, who left us so hollow".
I felt depressed. Lonely, bored and hopeless. I could feel tears begin
to swell up but I didn't cry.

I still feel pretty low. I can't get over stuff as fast as my peers. But none
of my peers can really relate to my situation, so I shrug off every one's attempts
at helping me. Which to them help is telling me everything will be alright. Or to
get over it. While they go on living better more fulfilling lives than me.

I want to go somewhere with someone. Someone who matters to me and i hope i
matter to them too. But that won't happen. And so i stay sitting, eyes swelling up but
not producing tears. Thinking, reflecting, and waiting.

Super powers, james earl the 3rd, sarah.

If I could have any super power in the world it would be to rewind time for about ten minutes.
only and exactly ten minutes. So that when ever I got into an argument with someone I could
better prepare myself and say things better the second time. Everything I'd say would be rational
and sound articulate even if most of it is full of shit and stupid because most arguments are full
of shit and stupid. Most people arguing tend to be full of shit and stupid and are too into their own
ideologies to realize they are full of shit and stupid. I know i too am part of the 'they', I don't deny
that.

Today I want to do something nice. Like ride a bike and go eat ice cream and visit sarah. And me
and Sarah would talk about ice cream flavors that should never be talked about like 'lemon maggot sundaes or fish avocado vanilla bean'.

We would climb a tree together and look for coconuts and laugh about how we are too scared to jump
down even if the distance isn't so bad.

I want to find a random cat and give it a name and take a picture of it and write the facebook description as 'my long lost feline brother james earl the third'.

I will do these things one day with Sarah maybe. If I ever find Sarah. I think Sarah would like to turn back time for ten minutes too so that we could enjoy our ice creams over and over again without getting fat.

This is not about a girl

There is a blanket on my face.
It is very warm and I am sweating.
But underneath the blanket I feel calm.
Like when I used to hide in boxes as
a little kid with my sisters cat.
That cat is dead now. I think I killed it
by accident when I was four.

I didn't cry tonight, but I could feel tiny
drops of water trying to seep out of
my eyes. I didn't keep them from coming out
they just wanted to act stupid.

This is not about a girl, I tell myself and repeat
it over and over. A new mantra.

This is not about a girl
this is not about a girl
this is not about a girl
get over yourself.

Today I wake up and think
I was stupid last night. I lied
to myself last night. Like I do
every night. Like I will do right now
when I say

This is not about a girl.

And maybe I will believe myself
and maybe you'll believe me too.

Because this is not about you.
Honestly.
This is not for you.

Please believe me.
Ok?
Bye.